I Don't Do Dress Up

Infants. Unless you have one of your own I am not really sure about the appeal.  People say they smell good and that is a good thing from an evolutionary, continue the species point of view, but still, I find the sentiment a bit off-putting.  I can envision a band of Homo erectus proto-humans hanging around their cave waiting for the rain to stop so they can resume the hunt.  And over in the corner, away from the other tribe members, a low browed woman suddenly cries in pain and gives birth to a soft, pink, vulnerable, more evolutionary advanced model.  The other members of this low order band run over and start to sniff, as primitive primates do, this new strange edition to their tribe.  Not recognizing the aroma he is giving off, they, well, put him outside the cave.  Even if you come at this from the intelligent design point of view, it certainly was a good idea to make infants appealing to our more primal instincts, such as smell.  So fragrant by design or fortunate coincidence?  I will leave the conclusion up to you.

But this post is not about happenstance vs. deliberateness as the source of our complexity.  I will leave that debate to the Fox cable network.  Don't get me wrong.  I love kids.  And kids seem to love me since I am not usually the one telling them to eat their broccoli and do their homework.  People without children can seem quite curmudgeonly when other's children are misbehaving in a public place or at the dinner table.  That should not be mistaken as impatience with the children themselves.  In my case, I can most definitely say my consternation is with the parents, not with the insubordinate little imps.  That is the main reason I always prefer to have the parents sit in the waiting room while I am interacting with little Kevin.  A much more manageable bond can be made without the overwrought nerves of  mom sending radio waves of anxiety to the child.  As my brother has sarcastically reminded me, the only people who know how to raise kids are the ones without any.

Allow me to clarify further. I think infants are cute and can be fun to cuddle.  I am just not the cootchy-coo  kind of guy.  I don't go over to babies and make a big fuss and start cooing.  From a strictly selfish point of view, I would much rather interact with the six and over crowd.  By that age they are obviously becoming smarter than their parents and they can be reasoned with, to a certain extent.  This may be the reason I don't like to dress up as some anti-plaque super hero if I am giving a presentation to elementary school kids.  I prefer to have straight talk with fourth and fifth graders rather than dressing up as Tuffy the Tooth and dancing around with a giant toothbrush in front of a pre-school aged crowd.  In fact, I don't even like to go to Halloween costume parties.  (If there are any parents of prospective three year old patients reading this, don't misunderstand me.  I would love to be your child's dentist).


Who knows.  If I had children of my own, maybe I would have been the first one to volunteer to play the big bad wolf in Elm Street Elementary's production of The Three Little Pigs.  I doubt it though.  Maybe there is an Intelligent Designer after all.  Someone was smart enough not to let me have kids.