The Food Fascist

Hanging about with people who are obsessed with healthful eating may be bad for your health. I have noticed that whenever they interview centenarians about the secret to their long life they never seem to mention reducing trans fats in their diets nor eating more omega 3 fatty acids. Some have smoked at one point in their life, most drink daily or on occasion, and none talk about hitting the gym daily. But there is one thing they all have in common; a stress free happy outlook on life. It occurs to me that I am happiest when eating a vanilla/chocolate twist soft serve cone.

I believe it is time for a new study in the diet and longevity category. I would like to assign a lieutenant in the fascist food army (Michael Pollan being the self elected dictator for life) to follow around a hapless nutriphobe (I submit this new word into the American lexicon, although it did get a few hits in Google) as he proceeds to make all the wrong food choices at the ShopRite.

It shall be my hypothesis that the amount of cortisol that is released into the blood stream every time one obsesses over whether or not the chicken they are eating was allowed to run wild around the barnyard is far more detrimental to their vascular health than any perceived benefit derived from eating a well adjusted chicken. Every time the subject is about to buy some processed food item the organophilic foot soldier will poke him in the ribs and deliver a shrill lecture about antibiotics, nitrosamines, and the petroleum basis of our food chain. Our piteous lab rat will either be dead or chain smoking within 6 months.

In the interest of full disclosure I must admit I myself have engaged in such imperious behavior toward my fellow dinnermates. It's just that my branch of nutrient nazism has fallen into disfavor. Apparently it is okay to eat fat as long as it is not trans and as long as the steer ate grass, not corn and he never met the business end of a penicillin filled hypodermic needle. It is also permissible to eat Miracle Whip based salads as long as the ingredients are organic, though you may find yourself believing that Sarah Palin has some valid points.