Only an Octopus Could Love It.

So this is the season of the office Christmas Party buffet dinner.  Buffets, of course, are not unique to office Christmas parties but they are the go to framework for galas on the cheap.  From VFW hall weddings to corporate celebrations the omission of a solicitous wait staff is the way to save money.  Don't get me wrong.  I love the idea of being able to pile on as much of and what of I want.  It is the logistics of the affair that causes me great consternation.  Now I am not talking about a restaurant that serves buffet style.  At these places one typically goes to the spread at their own leisure.  You can go as many times as you wish and the line usually moves very rapidly.

But at special occasion buffets an insidious form of facism seems to take over the whole progress of the meal.  First, and most troubling, is the idea that one cannot even venture to the food spread until your table has been called.  And I have found that the process in which it is decided which tables go first is of such a highly sensitive and secretive  nature that not even the most astute observer can figure it out.  Otherwise I would most certainly fight my way into table number one whether or not I am actually a first order relation to the bride.

And if one is lucky enough to be seated at the first tier of tables, you are done with your meal way before the last tables have been allowed to access their food.  This, of course leads to the inconvience of having to wait for an auspicious time to approach for seconds.  Believe me, the second round of potatoes au gratin is not worth the icy stares you get from butting in line before some of the guests have even had their first bite of a roll.

The idea of going up twice before all the guests have had one chance at the line brings me to the most insufferable pitfall of the buffet style meal.  The fact that I have to balance my entree, salad, and dinner roll simultaneously ruins even the most lavish of fetes.  I have a suggestion for all future buffet hosts.  Have the salad and dinner roll already at the setting of each guest as they arrive in the dining room.  This will serve three puposes.  One, the guests will have something to eat while they are awaiting their turn and thus significantly reduce their agitation due to low blood sugar.  Two, since it is standard practice to eat the salad prior to the entree, the food will not get cold while the salad is consummed, and three, there is never enough room in front of you to place the dinner and salad plate so all the jockeying for table space will be eliminated for you and your table mates. 

Finally there is the dessert issue.  There is something inherently distasteful with eating chicken marsala while the guests at the table to your immediate right are busy tearing into their raspberry cheesecake and coffee.  And when you finally do get called to the dessert table there is no raspberry cheesecake left for you anyway.  Then you are left standing there while the white gloved ersatz steward retreats to the kitchen in a feigned attempt to deliver said promised dessert.

12/21/2010
This just in, another reason to dislike buffets:
Plan to Poison Buffets Uncovered