Dear Son,

Scene: God sitting at his desk watching, through his office window, the money changers dishonor the beautiful temple built in his honor. "Oh man", he thinks. "I can't go down there again. How many times do I have to go over the same things? And every time I do intervene it seems like the trouble only gets worse. Maybe Jesus can go for me. He really is a great kid."

"Listen son, I screwed up. I told them they could have slaves and beat them, if they misbehaved, as long as they don't kill them. I might also have said some things about the wife being the man's property and she is to obey him without question. There was also this one time when I encouraged some guys to slay the Canaanites when they sassed me. So, uh, could you go down there and tell them, um, never mind. From now on tell them to turn the other cheek. Could you also tell them that if they chew a bit of your flesh and have a sip of your blood once a week it will calm them down a bit after a stressful week at work.
Oh, and here is some of this water from the spring around back of our house. I'm thinking if you sprinkle it on them while they promise fidelity to me they can come live with us indefinitely. Maybe that will make them behave better. I originally told them not to eat pork or cheeseburgers but that didn't seem to help. In spite of me giving them a strict diet to follow they still acted all ADHD on me. I'm kind of embarrassed that it didn't work out like I originally planned so I figure they might listen to you.

One thing I should tell you though. You know how I sometimes get these feelings that I know something is going to happen? Well, I gotta warn you, some of them might get very annoyed with you and not believe that you are actually my son. Those pharisees kind of scare me (they are soooo stern) so you are on your own if you get crucified, figuratively and literally. Don't worry though. I'll find you and come bring you home even if they stash you deep in a cave somewhere. You know I will save your favorite chair right here next to mine.

Your uncle Gabriel is making the travel arrangements for you to get there. Apparently he knows this cute little ingenue in Nazareth named Mary who can give you a lift. I understand she has a friend also named Mary who might be available to show you around if you know what I mean. While you are down there Mary's husband Joseph will make sure you get a nice room and decent meals as well.
I really appreciate you doing this for me. I don't want to show my face down there anymore, what with all the mayhem I might have caused. I should have known better than to let that shrew Eve hang out with my best bud, Adam. I caught them naked and stealing fruit from my orchard so I had to punish them. What choice did I have? And then there was this incident with the flood. Hoo boy! I went south to visit my brother Lucifer (his house is much hotter than mine most of the year) and my water pipe burst. Those poor schnooks down there got soaked for more than a month. Bless their little hearts though. They saved all the pets I had given them and after things dried out it was business as usual. They still love me but needless to say, I was mortified.

You know when someone is really clingy and they worship you too much? That's how I was getting to feel. I might have bullied some people down there just to tease them. See how far I could push them. This one dude, Job, oh man, poor schmuck, I pushed him so hard and yet he would have rather died than dishonor me. I feel so mean and small after doing that to him. How could I ever go down there again and face them in person? It's really special son that you would do this for me. Oh, one more thing before you go. There are going to be a lot of people who will never ever accept that you are speaking for me. You are going to need to take a hard line with them. You have my permission to threaten them with eternal damnation at your Uncle Lucifer's house. I never told you this but he really, really pissed me off one day and I turned up his thermostat to 211 degrees F and then broke the switch so he can never turn it down. He has been in a foul mood ever since. Anyways, tell those heretics down there that one day I will get my act together and show up to stir things up quite a bit. And if they haven't gotten on board with you, I will personally escort them right to Lucifer's front door. It will not be fun.

Oh, and the Egyptians. They will never, ever forgive me. I might have given them mixed signals over this whole Moses debacle. I don't know why they thought it was going to be the first born of Abraham's tribe that was going to die. After I got wind of this mix-up I instructed the Hebrews to paint a red mark on their doors so my angels of death squad (I just call them that. They really are very nice) wouldn't get confused. Of course it was the Paraoh's kids who got punished. What a mess. I tried to distract them with hail storms, locusts, and blood soaked rivers so they would forget about it but no such luck. I am getting another one of those feelings that after you are done down there your cousin Muhammad is going to show up and try to convince all those Middle Easterners that they are really my favorites. They tend to be a bit brown nosey. It's "God willing this" and "God willing that". Talk about needy.

Mmmm. You know that might be a good time for me to show up and save the day for all those folks who really had faith in you. I can see the headlines; God Saves the Day as Promised!! We'll throw a big party for all our friends at our house and to Hell with everyone else".