Press 1 for Hell

"Okay, let me see if I can help you".  Thus began the voice prompt odyssey.  And at first I was hopeful that this sexy voiced computer would be able to dispatch my problem with great haste.  I imagined myself the star in a science fiction fantasy where the mod she-bots dote on my James Bond like character.  Greeted as I enter the room with a sexy "Good morning Dr. Feuer.  How may we assist you?"  You can picture it.  The she-bots are wearing those Twiggy style mini skirts and their hair is in an over sprayed, non-movable "updo" configuration.  And perhaps they are wearing those white gloves which reach practically to the elbow.  "Ah yes", I breathed in anticipatory delight.  I will not have to deal with a clerk who states his name is Joe when we all know his real name is Rajesh.

But no, Verizon's artificial intelligence system is not quite ready for a Star Trek like experience.  There is no proactive command function available to the hapless customer who just wants his Fios voice mail to not cut off his Mom in mid message.  Apparently, the rocket scientists over at the Verizon R and D department have been instructed to program the voice recognition tech support hotline to weed out the morons who have simply forgotten their voice mail phone number, lost their 4 digit pin code, are not sure how to leave a message prompt, still have a rotary phone, or have no idea what voice mail even means.  So rather than simply having me state my problem I had to suffer through this cross examination:
"Do you have a dial tone?"
"Yes"
"Sorry, I didn't get that."
"YES!!"
"Okay, have you forgotten the number to retrieve your voice messages?"
"NO"
"Have you forgotten your pin code?"
"NO"
"Would you like your current balance?"
"Not really."
"How about how many text message units you have left?"
"Seriously?"
"Would you like to hear about special offers Verizon has for our special customers like you?"
"I thought this was tech support."
"A simple yes or no will do."
"NO."
"No, you don't want to hear our special offers or no, a simple yes or no won't do?"
"No. No. No. No.  No."
"Okay then.  Congratulations.  We have determined that you have an actual problem.  Please hold for the next available technician."  CLICK.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!!!"