Kharma Offsets

Yesterday Tammy and I met many of our new neighbors at a social event organized by the president of the community association. There is an old rail line that is now only used as a scenic train ride for tourists. Our neighborhood association rented it for the evening. So in essence it was a rolling block party.

As is customary at such events, I got to talking to my new neighbor about my various outdoorsy interests. Of course seeing as we all live in Phoenicia, having "outdoorsy" on one's resume is not such an unusual trait. Nor is having unusual traits such an unusual trait in Phoenicia. I am quickly discovering it is ground zero for the artsy and intellectual set from New York City. The Sedona of the East coast. There is more Zen per square mile than any locale I have visited in the fifty United States. So when I say I don't like to mess with my Kharma, my fellow indwellers know of what I speak.

So my new friend suggested that I head over to one of the local ski slopes for a little down hill mountain bike adventure. For the price of a summer lift ticket you take your bike up the hill on the chair lift and then you only have to ride it downhill. A free ride sweatwise if you think like me. You do have to work somewhat, my new chum asserted. Not nearly enough to offset the bad kharma that would most assuredly come my way if I biked downhill without first biking uphill I thought.
"There are no free rides." I averred.
"Oh, but it isn't free. You have to pay for the lift ticket!" was the reply.
And that's when it hit me; Kharma offsets. Not at all unlike carbon offsets. It's Nirvana for the capitalists. Bourgeois Buddhism. If I can barter my way out of bad kismet with paper money then I have found my creed.

Al dente or mushy, you decide.

Now that my blog has gone viral, well not so much viral as low grade febrile, I would like to conduct a reader preference survey. This readers' choice opinion poll will be about style not substance.
I will present two posts about the same affront. One will be in the author's usual pejorative voice and the other will be written in a more gracious tone. You, the reader, shall decide which is the more enlightening (we need no survey to understand which is the more entertaining) point of view. During the voting phase, try to pretend you don't actually know me........

A} Why do men who fancy themselves good cooks have to tell the entire world what great cooks they are? Their wives are equally complicit in this game of self-aggrandizement. "Oh, Jim is such a great cook. His truffle and black japonica stuffed wild goose with mango chutney is to die for". Granted, men brag about their wives being great in the kitchen, but in a utilitarian sort of way. Men talk about their exploits in the kitchen like they brag about their golf game (an equally annoying habit). Like golf, their cooking is just a past time. A hobby. A stress reliever. Like stamp collecting. But for some reason philatelists don't somehow manage to mention the great stamp they just scored on e-bay into their conversation upon first meeting you. Nor can I recall any male gardeners who tell me how big their zucchinis are within two minutes of meeting me. I have, though, met plenty of amateur chefs who, during our initial handshake, invite me over to their house to try their raspberry coulis basted beef loin with sweet potato bouchees. And their usual oenopihlic enthusiasm only adds to the annoyance. I should also mention that there is also some improbable story about how the ingredients were obtained. It invariably involves a trip to a sketchy secretive basement butcher shop, in the worst section of town, where our intrepid chef scored the last piece of Argentinian grass fed beef available on the entire east coast.

Do they think it is so unusual for a man to cook? The world's greatest chefs have traditionally been men. It is indeed a very technically demanding discipline. It appeals to the left brained nature of men, not unlike rebuilding car engines. But I guess that is a de rigueur hobby so who cares. I will concede that men, in general, do always seem to have this need to share their vital experiences with the world. Men are raised in a culture of one upmanship. It is the physiology of testosterone. Maybe that is why bragging about being a good cook is so annoying. I think it is intended to show what an enlightened, modern man one is. "See, I am as at home in the kitchen as I am out in the garage. Now pass me the motor oil, I mean olive oil"........



B} I recently had the opportunity to meet some new friends at a dinner party for one of my wife's co-workers. All the women knew each other but none of the husbands had met. The hostess's husband was a very charming fellow and interestingly enough he prepared the entire meal! Upon first entering their lovely home I commented on the delicious aromas wafting from the kitchen. "That's Jim!", my delighted hostess proclaimed. "He loves to cook and has not left the kitchen since he arrived home from work today. After a long day of doing brain surgery in the OR, he loves nothing more than to share his cooking and knowledge of wine with our friends".
Just then, as if the entire event had been choreographed by George Balanchine, our host came out to greet us and said "I can't wait till you see the wine I have chosen to accompany my duck a l'orange!" My mouth was already watering.

Our host did not disappoint. The evening was a cornucopia of epicurean pleasures. Rapturing conversation about Jim's culinary escapades and more essentially, a palette of comestible pleasures was laid out before us. To make the meal even more appealing, our host informed us that all the food including the duck, was purchased from the local CSA. "Isn't it just so much more satisfying to know you are supporting the local artisanal food purveyors?" "Yes!" we all chimed in at once.

Our bellies full, and outlook bright, we said our goodbyes. "He really inspired me", I confided to Tammy that night as we lay in bed. "First thing tomorrow morning I am going to wake up and cook you a huge breakfast of poached eggs, wild boysenberry whole wheat pancakes, and fresh squeezed Valencia orange juice, and I can't wait for you to tell the whole world about it!".....

Remember, vote early and vote anonymously.

I can't seem to get over high school.

The following is strictly a rant. Stream of conscious writing only.

I think the smart kids need to take America back from the clueless kids. Why are we so afraid of offending them when they say and believe in ideas based on emotions rather than facts? The under achievers in high school never wasted an opportunity to belittle the smart kids. If you volunteered and answered questions in class you were called the teacher's pet. Now the term "intellectual elite" has become a pejorative used by the likes of Glen Beck and Rush Limbaugh. They are basically the loud mouth preternaturally pubescent bullies from high school. If you don't agree with them they call you an elitist snob. I for one am tired of worrying about offending the unenlightened masses. The perfect example of this is President Obama's "They cling to their guns and religion "comment. I guarantee you, the same people who were offended by that are the same ones who made fun of me in gym class for not being able to do a layup. The Tea Party is most likely made up of the kids who shot spit balls at the back of my head for volunteering to answer the questions posed by my eleventh grade chemistry teacher. You know I am right. Why have we let them hijack America? Honestly, Sarah Palin.....really?????
And George Bush? Sure he believed in bipartisanship. His idea of being bipartisan was if everyone, on both sides of the isle, did what he wanted.....Just like the "cool kids" from high school.

It is like I always say, "life is just a pale extension of high school". If you didn't have the same values as the jocks, you were made to feel like a bonehead. We need to lift America up to the standards of the Honor Society, not be held hostage to the whims of the cheerleading squad (no offense to cheerleaders, but you get my drift). That is what one of the most popular television shows in America, Glee, is about. Most Americans obviously get this but we still exalt the "cool kids" like Glen Beck, Bill O'Reilly and George Bush hoping we will be accepted if we agree with them. Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld and the like, are bullies, plain and simple. Chris Christie, the governor of New Jersey is also a bully (though in order to fix NJ, the Governor has to be a bully).

Here is a perfect example of how we allow uninformed language to affect us: Why does the Tea Party confuse socialism and fascism? By becoming increasingly involved in our personal lives the government is becoming more and more fascist, not socialist. The Religious Right is a fascist movement. They want to dictate how we control our own bodies. I would like to administer an essay test to everyone who openly states an opinion about the direction the US is heading in: Compare and contrast socialism, fascism, capitalism, democratic republicanism, direct democracy, communism, and monarchism. Also to be discussed is which ones are forms of government and which are economic systems. What is the United States, economically and politically?

Oh, I am having a very relaxing weekend up at the cabin. It's just that I saw a youtube clip of Sarah Palin going on about grizzlies and pit bulls or something and it sent me over the edge.