Capri Or Not Capri

No one appointed me fashion police of course, but I would like to make a few observations.  I am not claiming to be the first one to muse about the capricious nature of fashion and my barbs are by no means to be taken personally, except by that lady in Macy's the other day.  She knows who I mean.  How was I to know she was talking into her bluetooth when she said " I don't know if I should buy these".  She was looking right at me, so of course I said "Oh my god sweetie, don't do that to yourself!" Donna Karen did not have this woman in mind when she designed that blouse, believe you me.  Designers are artists, not tailors.  She may just as well have stripped down to her underwear and strapped on a sandwich board with an oil painting on one side and a watercolor on the other with DKNY printed on her forehead if the goal was to advertise her artistic taste.


Another irritating trend is the pointless Capri pant.  Not quite pants, not quite shorts.  There may indeed be a window of opportunity in the Northeast when they are weather appropriate.  Unfortunately they are rarely fashion appropriate.  They reveal that exact ten inch span of female anatomy which study after study has shown to be the most diet and exercise resistant.   Have you ever seen an "Ankles of Steel" exercise video?  Of course not.  Why draw attention to them?   Buns, abs, and boobs, are the female trifecta.  In fact a cursory search of the internet will reveal a definite male bias against these modern day clam diggers.  That is why it was disconcerting to have learned during this same internet search that men are now wearing them.  Oddly, the bloggers commenting on this trend were concerned with the sexual preference of the men wearing them.  As if even a gay man could possibly look good in them.  My unasked for advice? Only wear them with heels.  Never flats.  And men?  Nobody, on either team, should be wearing them.

So what is the point of trendy fashion?  To make the wearer look good, or to make the designer look good?  Is wearing trendy, but obviously unflattering clothing a personality statement?  Perhaps.   But once Marshalls gets a hold of the remainders, believe me when I tell you the wave is already breaking on the beach, in spite of what their commercials might otherwise imply.  And speaking of false advertising, I think Victoria's Secret should be required to place a disclaimer on the labels of their push up bras.  It should read; "Warning, you must eventually take this off in front of your man and his crestfallen expression may be hazardous to your self-esteem."

My wife likes to take me along as the color commentator when she goes shopping for a new outfit.  You know, she throws out a hard stat like that woman is a size four, and I come back with an historical fact like she hasn't hit a size four since 1982.  Usually though, I just sit outside the dressing room, with the other men, trying to look disinterested.  When one of the other wives emerges we all pretend to divert our eyes so as not to appear as if we are breaking the Tenth Commandment. But of course we're all peering over the rim of our glasses thinking the same thing. All the men should be allowed to give either a thumbs up or down.  It would save a lot of heartache later on at the Christmas party.  And when my wife emerges wearing a sexy outfit, she always asks me what I think within clear ear shot of the other men.  If she looks great, I can't act too enthusiastic in front of the other husbands.  "Yeah, good", I reply in the most  nonchalant voice possible.  And if the outfit isn't flattering, I can only squeak out a red faced "maybe not". 

If Mom has a cap on also then it's okay

If at this point you are thinking that I am a repulsive male boor I am not.  I am equally critical of men's fashion faux pas'.  For example a baseball cap is never, not ever, appropriate when wearing a sport jacket or suit.  Unless you are an NFL draft pick at your first news conference.  Or at the Department of Agriculture's Fall Harvest Gala in Lincoln, Nebraska.  And even then only if it says John Deere.  And if you are a male with a flocculent back and shoulders please do not wear a tank top at the gym.  I'm kidding for comedy of course.  Don't wear a tank top anywhere.