Blatant and Brassy

Raise your hand if you enjoy staying at a bed and breakfast while on vacation.  I thought so. The women and the gay couple in the back of the room. I don't know at what point the B and B niche went from being a source of an inexpensive room and a decent meal to being a destination in and of itself.  Which brings me to my first complaint; They are not cheap.  Why pay $150.00 to sleep on a bed that the cat has most assuredly peed on, when you can get a room and continental breakfast at the Super 8 for $69.99 double occupancy?  And all the Super 8s now have that cool make your own waffle, waffle iron thing.   Plus you don't have to act like you give a damn about the desk clerk's personal life.  And this brings me to my second and third points.

What if you don't feel like having breakfast at exactly 7:25 AM?  At the Super 8 there is a breakfast window of opportunity. Usually 6 AM to 9:30 AM on weekdays and 7 AM to 10 AM on weekends.  Did I mention the cool do it yourself waffle iron?  One time, at "The Cat's Tongue B&B", I was served one half of a bran muffin and one half cup of fruit salad.  Period.  Another time, at "The Bearded Muskrat B&B", I was served curried poached eggs with  sugar free allspice sour apple chutney and gluten free spelt toast with tarragon herbed butter.  Seriously.  At the Super 8 I put whipped cream and maple syrup on my waffle, grab a bagel, cream cheese, and banana to go, and I have now included lunch in the $69.99 room rate.  And I don't have to ask Sinjay the desk clerk how he slept, nor does he ask me.  And I never ever, ever ask the other guests in the Super 8 dining area what they have on tap for the day.  Because, really, I don't give a crap.

At a quaint little B&B in Bar Harbor Maine I  was roped into buying a book the Innkeeper wrote.  Apparently Mount Desert Island (where Acadia National Park is located) is actually the mythical island of Atlantis.  It seems it never sank after all, but instead drifted over to Maine so Rockefeller could buy it and selflessly donate it back to the citizens of America.  I only know all this because our hostess was gracious enough to regale us with the story over a hearty breakfast of  Madagascar cinnamon scented toast and poached egg (singular) with Hollandaise sauce.  What man eats poached eggs with cream sauce for breakfast, let alone have to choke them down while pretending to pay attention to some gasbag who's house you happen to be trapped in?  And pay for the privilege?

And all this after a night of having to sleep in a room like the one pictured above.  I now know why Victorian England was populated by sexually repressed and sleep deprived souls.  Laying on a mattress six feet off the ground with another three feet of pillows, comforters, and lace provides enough extraneous sensory input to make even the most somnolent among us stare wide eyed at the ornamental canopy all night long.   Never mind if there are also milk faced porcelain dolls sitting upright and at attention on every chair.  Have you ever tried to have marital relations with your spouse while a preternaturally human looking tweenage doll is staring at you and there is a 65 year old prudish innkeeper sleeping one hairs breadth away in the room next to the headboard?  And even if you are successful in pleasing your spouse, the entire act has to be performed while you cover her mouth with your hand so she doesn't accidentally scream out and inform the entire household that, well, you know.

Then of course there is the  facilities factor.  One must pay extra for the room with the bathroom.  Do I really want a house full of strangers to know the status of my prostate health?  Plus there is always way too much furniture in the hallway. If I didn't wake everyone with my lovemaking, I surely will wake everyone when I scream out after stubbing my toe on the side table groping my way down the dark hallway.  A few years ago at the "Captain Conch Shell Guesthouse" in Cape May, NJ, I had a bad night after eating some raw oysters.  The next morning at breakfast, with two other couples sitting at the table, our hostess served me dry toast and tea because "I could hear you had a rough night".

Click on the link below for Super 8 world wide reservations.  I recommend the waffles.
SUPER 8