Dear Rejected Pet Owner

I found this unpublished blog from when we tried to adopt a cat after Grayson died:




Dear fellow animal lover,

We have received your appeal to our rejection of your attempt to adopt one of our exceptional, yet abandoned feline domestici.  As explained in our rejection letter, we prefer to keep the specifics of our selection process in a shroud of double, super special top secretness so as to avoid any hint of rationality.  Plus one time, a normal family with two kids and a working Mom actually tried to convince us that they were capable of giving one of our kitties all the attention it deserved.  Ha!  We would like to know in what time defying universe they are living.

In any case, since your entreaty seemed to demonstrate such an extreme degree of pathetic retiree loneliness, we decided to grant you a one time exception and we will outline below the reasons we rejected you as a suitable parent for one of our pharaonic cats.  Get the metaphor?  The Pharaohs had cats as pets and Jews as slaves.  Guess where you fit in?

Well, first off, we are duly impressed that you were once voted as a Top Dentist in South Jersey but we fail to see how this relates to your suitability to raise one of our felines.  Sure, you would probably provide better than average dental care but predators are more than just their fangs.  We believe you can barely see past the canines and you may fail to realize there is a cat attached to every tooth.

Secondly we are gravely concerned about some trigger warnings to which you seem oblivious.  When asked about the kind of toys you would provide, you mentioned feather toys.  As most reasonably educated people know by now, using feather boas and such is an offensive stereo type of gay men.  How would you like it if we wore yarmulkes for Halloween?

You also mentioned that you would be purchasing the cat food at the same grocery store where you shop for your own human food. You further went on to explain that you sometimes buy generic store brands like frosted corn flake cereal and Lancaster Brand (Acme's store label) meats.  Needless to say, our jaws dropped at the suggestion that your cat would be happy eating store brand bits and kibbles.  We appreciate the fact that you are 56 years old and can swim a mile, bike 26 miles, and run 6.2 miles all in one day, and on a diet of iceberg lettuce, dark chicken meat, and store brand spaghetti but for the love of over indulged pets everywhere, why bring the cat down to your level of gastronomic decrepitude?

Perhaps you would be better off and you would more easily qualify for a human child through child welfare services. Perhaps one who loves hugs and smiles easily. As we all know, cats hate hugs and it seems as if you are in dire need of any type of mammalian embrace. We wish you the best of luck in your search for senescent sodality.

Best regards,

Chelsea,
Home care coordinator of Pedigreed Cats Anonymous